LSU takes on the Iowa Hawkeyes in the Outback Bowl on January 1st, 2014. In “honor” of such an occasion, I engaged Andy Sell (below), a comedian pal of mine and Iowa Hawkeye fan, via email. I let him have the last word because I’m a nice guy.
Chris Trew: Hi Andy. We don’t know each other in real life but we are friends on Twitter. We both do comedy and we both have a team in the Outback Bowl this year. Your team is Iowa and my team is LSU. I think LSU will win and Iowa will lose but I don’t know anything about Iowa’s football team. Do you have a rebuttal?
Andy Sell: sorry for the delay in getting back to you. i was doing some research into LSU as i’m kind of unfamiliar with their program (for example, did you know that the SEC is an actual NCAA conference and not just a criminal organization that buys trophies and employs thugs to beat up Big 10 players in bowl games? i sure didn’t! LEARNING!). anyway, in my studies, i came across some LSU fans on the internet who all insisted on typing the word “Go” as “Geaux” and it broke my brain and i fell into a coma until today. so now i’m back to the grind of trying to find some interesting things to talk about with you. have you done any reading on the Hawkeyes of Iowa?
Chris Trew: Hey Andy!
Hope you’re recovering well from your coma. I’m pretty unfamiliar with what a coma is so I looked it up between watching favorite moments from my 2003 BCS Championship DVD Set. Very interesting! Meanwhile, you’re hilarious take on the word “Geaux” is cute. I guess Iowa doesn’t have anything that bonds an entire region of the country together like that, huh? I did notice your students tradition of taking off your shoes and waving them in the air for kickoff instead of keys and that’s something else. By the way, what is a Herky?
Andy Sell: Hi Chris!
Well, I guess I’ll take “cute” as a compliment since we’re friends now and all. In that spirit, the “Geaux” thing is pretty cute itself. Iowa doesn’t really need to misspell words to bring a region together though. Iowa has the Hawkeyes to unite its people. It’s really all we’ve got (since Reagan destroyed all the farms - by himself, I saw it, it took a while). I guess that’s why I don’t understand why Louise-Annas (that’s what you’re called right? I want to be culturally respectful) even care about the Tigers. You guys have pro teams. Iowans don’t have that luxury. All we have is the Hawkeyes. And that’s enough for us. We’re not greedy.
Oh, Herky is the Iowa Sun God. He smiles on the harvest and punishes evildoers and teaches the children to read. He is the way, the truth, and the piercing beautiful light. He is the gallows and the field dirt and the best joke at the party that you can’t tell right because the first guy told it so good. I’ll contact you again soon. I am reading a bunch about LSU Tigers football.
Glad to hear you are reading a bunch about LSU Tigers Football. Be careful because it’s one of those things so rich in history and tradition that before you know it, an entire day or two has gone by! On a similar note, I went shopping for an Iowa Hawkeye book and couldn’t find anything so I was wondering if you had any recommendations? I feel bad asking you to take a pause from your LSU research but it would be really helpful if we are going to continue being friends. I know, I know, you would never ask someone drinking champagne and eating fine sausages to stop doing that so they can help a friend find a cheap bag of hot dog buns but in order for us to continue on with this dialogue it would be really helpful.
1958, 2003, 2007,
Andy Sell: hi again Chris,
well you sure were right about LSU football research! i started reading the Wikipedia page and after two days i had only reached the halfway mark and then i guess i got so bored by all the descriptions of the helmets they wore at every game and the rivalries they have with other SEC marching bands, i fell asleep for 4 days. i’m not having a lot of luck with consciousness these days. anyway, there are no books about Iowa football. you see, Iowans are a strong, but humble, people. We don’t like to brag too much about our sacred institutions (corn, college football, standardized tests, and poetry) so it is actually against Iowa state law to write or publish any text about Iowa Football. Instead, the history is passed down through oral tradition. From generation to generation, Iowa’s sons and daughters learn of the Great Legends and Epic Heroes of Hawkeye Football. One of the most universally beloved tales is that of “The Catch” - when in 2005, the Iowa Hawkeyes defeated the LSU Tigers in the Capital One Bowl, the one and only game where the two have faced each other. Have you heard about this story?
Yours in B1G,
Andy Sell, Iowan
P.S. - does Zach Mettenberger have a ticket to the game yet? I’d sure hate for him to miss it. I have some friends in Tampa. Maybe I could ask former Hawkeye DE (and 2010 Orange Bowl MVP) and current Buccaneer, Adrian Clayborn, if he could pull some strings.
Chris Trew: What up Andy!
Yes, please mention it for your pal Adrian Clayborn. The Bucs didn’t make the playoffs this year so he may have some free time. I guess not qualifying for a (meaningful) postseason game is something that you might be getting used to, huh? I think it is so precious that you guys remember that 2005 Capital One Bowl. That’s like a preseason game for LSU. I actually went and looked it up on the ole’ YouTube and found this video:
The ESPN ticker on the bottom mentions the Tigers offering the head coaching position to Les Miles during that game. What a moment for LSU.
Should we make a friendly wager for the Outback Bowl? Winner gets all-expense paid trip to see all the amazing things in the losers college town? Actually, that sounds like a bet I’d love to lose. We should come up with something different.
Andy Sell: Sup Chris,
I wouldn’t say Adrian and I are pals but i do have a jersey with his number on it and yelled “GET ‘EM, PREDATOR!” during every game he played his junior and senior year so we could probably make some killer mixtapes for each other. However, i don’t think now is the right time to ask him for any favors as his coach Greg Schiano was just fired and if his tweet in response was any indication (“Well damn”), he might still be pretty broken up about it. Anyway, yeah, the Capital One Bowl was a great Bowl game in the postseason (is that what you meant by “preseason game?” because i think they are opposites) and LSU’s hiring of Les Miles proved to be perfect timing there. Congrats, you guys got him just before allegations of grade-fixing and prostitution could surface and make him the next offensive line coach for the TSU Fightin’ Armadillos. Good call. Did your athletic director call Jim Tressel in 2011 too?
But let’s talk about New Year’s Day for a minute. By all accounts the Hawkeyes and the Teauxgers are having a great time in Florida (Iowa QB Jake Rudock’s home state, btw) right now. Reportedly, your boys ate 70 bloomin’ onions at their free Outback Steakhouse dinner. At 1950 calories each, I hope they’re doing some laps to run those off today. Also, the Iowa cheerleaders dominated the LSU cheerleaders in three rounds of Tug of War on the beach. So I think that should tell us something about what to expect at Raymond James Stadium. I predict that Mark Weisman and Damon Bullock will carry for a combined 5,42 yards. Anthony Jennings will meet Anthony Hitchens and explode into tears (he won’t start crying, he will literally transform from a solid to a liquid state and splash onto the field). Either that or they will set aside their differences, become best friends and start a supernatural crime-solving duo right then and there. Kevonte Martin-Manley and CJ Fiedorowicz will tap their power rings together and fuse into the form of a six-armed Sumerian Sky Demon with cybernetic tarantulas for hands, which Jake Rudock will find in the end zone again and again and again.
Some of those things may or may not happen. Either way, it’s going to be a really great game and I look forward to it. Both teams are hungry to prove themselves to, well, themselves, in addition a country full of smirking naysayers drunk on Seminole Wine who have only recently begun to take head-scratching notice. There’s a lot on the line for both sides… spiritually that is. Not pragmatically. At all. But yeah, there are high spiritual stakes here and it will be great to watch.
Let Every Loyal Iowan Sing,
Andy Sell is a Los Angeles-based Poet/Comedian/Doodler who has performed in shows and festivals all over the country. He co-hosts and co-produces the “People We Know” podcast available on iTunes and Stitcher. His web comic, “Kyle + Grandpa 4EVR” can be found at http://kyleandgrandpaforever.tumblr.com. In 2014 he will be recording his first album (a 3-way split with comics from Chicago and Omaha) and releasing his first book of poetry, “Invincibility Potion vol.1: Viking Standard.” He is available for hugs and nachos.